Finding the Joy in Marriage
Finding the Real Joy in Marriage
Truth be told, this is my first blog post around marriage. Though seven years in, I just didn’t feel seasoned or nearly wise enough to share my opinion on such a vitally important topic.
However, that is until I learned something from a friend that shifted my perspective in such a colossally Goliath kind of way that it was just too profound not to share. Upon hearing this revelation it was as if the rug was pulled out from underneath my feet, as every single channel in my brain was bursting like lightbulbs in Tesla’s laboratory. An intense understanding that came from a simple conversation at the dinner table. Yet, years earlier I wouldn’t have been ready nor mature enough to decipher such wisdom.
Marriage Takes Times
Despite being raised by a single parent, all three of my siblings have managed to attain marriages of 20 plus years each. Naturally, each approach looks entirely different from those looking on. But the end result no divorce and longevity are common factors amongst the marriages. I can imagine that if each were interviewed about what made their marriage a success, I believe they would say that finding joy in marriage is vital to your success as a couple.
Growing up, Hallmark movies, anything Nicholas Sparks or any sappy romance punched my entertainment ticket. Though innocent at first glance these Hollywood blockbusters conditioned my view and expectations of love, especially since romantic love was never modeled within my own home. But the stories themselves don’t focus on finding joy, they focus on one person transforming the other.
Only One Person Has to Change
Take for instance, The curly haired, glasses wearing nerd. She will always get a makeover: straightened hair, and contacts. This magnificent transformation will so powerfully change the self centered jock into a sensing and feeling gentlemen. Why? Because the ugliness of the girl was removed and the guy was able to actually see her heart.
In another scenario, the leading heart throb will catapult himself over couches and through throngs of people in order to stop the plane just to proclaim his flaws and unending love for the girl he let slip through his fingers countless times.
Noah for the Win?
Moreover, maybe Noah is your jam. Where he will write you 365 letters telling you how marvelous you are despite your silence. Fast forward to the part where I grow up, get married and my husband doesn’t do those things. Is my husband broken? Did I marry the wrong guy? Nope, I just bought the lie that a relationship only requires one person doing all the work.
Caveat this is by no means an attempt to discredit or demean my husband. Instead it is to help the reader and myself understand that when Hollywood isn’t involved, romance can look very different. And like me if you are not careful you can miss the romantic overtures that your husband is laying before you. In my case it is failing to see that his romance comes in different forms, it may not be chocolate or roses. Instead it is in creating space for my nerdiness with curls and glasses intact. It’s supporting my dreams of writing and creating food that people enjoy eating. That is joy in marriage. But what happens if your romance cup is still in need of more?
How do You Get Joy in Marriage?
Allow me to share the epic revelation that took place in my kitchen, my favorite place in the house. I had my dear friend M over for tea. As the conversation ebbed and flowed we discovered that we each had similar desires in marriage. We both wanted a significant and beautiful romance centered around joy.
Marriage Comes with Baggage
When we approach the altar we bring all of our expectations and views with us. Let that simmer for a moment. Our perspectives and life experiences are so much ingrained in us that they can benefit or hurt the other person. This is especially true if their life experiences and perspectives are in contrast to your own. What the movies don’t show us is how to ask for the things we need in order to find lasting joy in all phases of marriage. And it sometimes takes the vulnerabilities of others to help us see our own lives with different lenses.
In that kitchen M declared “ Patience there is freedom in being able to ask your spouse for what you need/want. Simple as that. Especially, because they will hear you and then you will see them grow in love as they try to meet those needs. his action sparks joy. It works both ways, husbands can ask their wive to fill their tanks too.” No one had ever said that to me so beautifully and eloquently before.
Joy Grows with You
True bliss in marriage is choosing to pursue your partner in all seasons. And with God’s help, joy will bubble up, as your love evolves and matures. 7 years for us has been much different that year one. Thankfully, we have time to grow into one another and love beyond our limitations. For me this realization made my heart more grateful for my husband. Secondly, it helped me to release some of the damaging views I was holding onto from childhood. Romance and jubilee are ours for the creating, it’s up to us.
Love You Higgs.
Parenting Requires Flexibility
Not only does parenting require patience, it requires flexibility. As aforementioned, a schedule and consistency is very important. At the same time, you must allow room for things to happen organically. Sometimes, my kiddos have a plan for the day unbeknownst to me, but when room is given beautiful things take shape. Rose especially likes to share what she would like to do, and if it’s within reason we do. Some of my favorite moments have come from those days. Kids exercising healthy independence is a good thing. And who doesn’t enjoy ice cream for lunch?
Parenting Requires a Your Best Effort
As I discussed this post with my husband he said “ parenting isn’t a mystery, it certainly isn’t easy, but The Bible is the best tool to direct you.” He is right, with a willing heart, and God’s direction, parenting can become less of a challenge. We have only been at this for three years but Rose and Alastair have challenged and strengthened us in ways we have never dreamed of. The honey has become sweeter and the bee stings have taught us many valuable lessons. May you be blessed in your journey of parenthood as well.
If you enjoyed this post, you may also enjoy 11 Verses to Pray for Your Husband featured right here on Bee Stings and Honey.
-Patience
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