How to Handle the I Hate Mama Phase with Grace
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I Hate Mama:
The day that I never thought would come has arrived with a sassy little vengeance. Que the tears, the orchestra, and the credits. My baby girl is featuring in an “I Hate Mama Film”, brought to you by Toddlers Inc. Little lady just might get an Oscar for her convincing role of an angry little girl. Her words are carefully measured and executed with all the emotion available in her three year old body. The intended audience is me, and the goal is to dismantle my mama heart to a puddle of tears.
Kids Naturally Push Boundaries:
Incredibly, the same hazel eyed little beauty that ran to my open arms at the close of each day is now resisting…. Well everything. My corrections, kisses, hugs and words are all being rejected and ignored. “I love daddy, NOT you.” is a constant sentiment uttered at our house at present. Undoubtedly, this change seems to have happened over night, with no specific incident to blame for this paradigm shift.
This mama feels a little bee stung and perplexed. The educator in me can ascertain that Rose’s three year old self is asserting her power and using her words with efficiency. As hurtful as this may be, we spent a lot of time instructing her to do exactly that. “Try to share your feelings,” “Use your words and not your whines please.”
Honeys and Stings:
On the honey days this mama can remain patient and kind. Admittedly, on bee sting days, it seems a battle of wills ensues between us. You can imagine there isn’t much patience or grace taking place on either side. As a mama I need a roadmap to help navigate us through this phase. Undoubtedly, this is an opportunity to teach Rose that parents and other people have feelings, and that our words can hurt. I have comprised a list of eight effective ways to handle the “I Hate Mommy Phase with Grace.” Step One: Cry, no just kidding.
Step One: Be Patient with Your Little One:
This first step is one of the hardest, practicing patience. It is really tempting to try to move this phase along and out the door. But growth spurts, and phases do require time, the unseen gift in them, is the learning experience for each party involved. For your child it is a lesson in how we treat each other. Meanwhile, it is a lesson for you in how you deal with a difficult situation, in a way that shows mercy and character to your child. They will observe how you approach them when they push a boundary. This is a perfect opportunity to be Jesus to your child
Step Two: Don’t Get Defensive:
When our feelings are hurt it is really easy to get defensive in our actions and words. When your child says they “hate you” it is painful, because you are human. Allow yourself to feel the hurt, but don’t act from the hurt. Instead you need a plan in place that helps you address the hurt and work through it in a healthy way. One that serves you and your child.
Step Three: Give Your Child Space:
Due to the fact that a child is experiencing some big emotions with these words, space can help with redirecting the behavior you don’t want to see. In this case it’s saying hurtful words when they are trying to get something they want. Since Rose isn’t old enough to write anything down. I ask her to take a time out to figure out why she is so upset. Then after a few minutes we try to revisit the situation.
Step Four: Use Affirming Words:
As parents our love is meant to be steadfast even when tried. When Rose says she “Hates me” or “I Love Papa Not You.” I affirm my love for her every time. I don’t have to like her behavior but she needs to know that she is loved even when she is doing something unkind. Jesus demonstrates this for us throughout scripture. He is showing us what he wants us to do with our children, husbands, friends, and those around us. This is love unencumbered, love at its strongest.
Step Five: Use Gentle Redirection
Remember that you are trying to change the negative action that your child is using. Therefor, you must not only teach the expected behavior, but you must also model it. Gentleness and a kind delivery is the end goal. I need Rose to understand that she can prefer her Papa in an instant and still love me at the same time.
Hence, I can say Rose, it’s kinder to day” Mama I love you, but I would like Papa to take me to brush my teeth.” The redirection remains clear and calm.
Step Six: Remain Consistent In Discipline:
Do not get complacent in discipline. When children, especially toddlers are pushing the limits, the boundaries need to be crystal clear. I make sure that I follow through on the things I say. When using “if,” “then” statements, you must carry out the consequence if the boundary is crossed.
Step Seven: Practice Self Care
Naturally, this juncture can be really draining emotionally and mentally. Self- Care is imperative when dealing with these challenges. You must recharge daily, as these steps take time. Read the bible, sip tea, talk with your friends about the situation. Do whatever encourages and revives your soul.
Step Eight: Above All Else Pray
Finally, praying for your child is the wisest thing you can do. Parenting has many challenges and responsibilities and prayer is a supernatural fortification for all your endeavors. These phases and trials stem from a spiritual fight over your child. Trust that God will walk you through each experience and help you lead your child one step closer to Him with each new season. If you are not quite sure what to pray for, this book The Power of a Praying Mom, is a great place to start. It is a small booklet of guided prayers you can use to cover your child in prayer.
-Patience
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